So, if you remember, I ended part 2 of Growing up Sandy with such a dysfunctional view of myself and a totally skewed idea of what I was supposed to be in order to fit into the worlds expectations of me. I thought and believed, now that I was thin….that all was good in disillusionville (yes, I made that word up).
Anyway, my unintentional goal became, let’s make up for lost dating/boy time. Let’s just say my judgement was off, my self respect was no longer a consideration. I’ll leave out most of the details except for a few key points.
My part time job at the local Toys R Us for Christmas 1977 (I think) led me to a cute manager. We went out on a date. I was 18 and he was quite ashamed to tell me he was separated from his wife and 30. On my date with him, I was date raped. I spent years blaming myself and even more ashamed.
After two years of college, a new boyfriend and a disastrous move to upstate New York, I ended up where I always wanted to be but where my mom would never let me go. I enrolled in Ultissima Beauty School in Hicksville, LI and I loved it. However, being a part of the salon/beauty industry led to a bit of a wild lifestyle. Full blown partying became a daily event once I got my first job in a high-end salon. I didn’t know the word no. It seems I never knew the word no. If I said no to you, you might not like me. I couldn’t take the chance. But I couldn’t say no anyway….I clearly had an addictive personality. I was the one who needed more of anything being passed around than anyone else. I also needed more before anyone else did.
The boyfriend who’s name makes me queasy to even say wasn’t a bad guy but I just have to wonder what I was thinking. I got pregnant and had an abortion. I never thought it would have any impact on me. I hate saying that but the shame I had around that kept me deeply embedded in my secret for far too long. Healing from that was decades later. Yes, it impacted me. I just was totally unaware. Eventually I broke up with him and he stalked me. That just may have been the only time I remember my dad coming to my defense and rescue.
My wild life after that was fueled by shame, my addictive personality and desire for attention. Drugs seemed recreational but they also served a bigger purpose. I ended up hanging out with a friend and her boyfriend one day on his boat. I didn’t know her boyfriends brother was coming with us. Quaaludes were the thing back then. They were the thing that day for sure and at the end of the day my second “date” rape occurred. However, thinking about it now, for the first time ever, I realize I wasn’t even on a date so I guess you could say I was just plain old raped. How do I keep getting myself into these situations? I know, very dumb question…..
In 1982 I met my husband. Here I was a thin and pretty girl at 5’1” with this good looking man who was 6’3”, 8 years older and we hit it off. We were from different worlds and I knew in my gut that this wasn’t a good thing but he wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him. The crazy part was, I was so insecure and saw myself through radically fragmented and impaired eyes that I pushed the fears aside and said yes anyway. The big problem; his family were big drinkers and until that time, drinking was part of my “party” life, not my daily life. So right off the bat, life with Frank was interesting but we did love each other and the rest of those details I will leave for the next time……stay tuned for Part 4.